Club $ucce$$

Stop the presses - Dannii actually has $ucce$$! With her music career! Club Disco has exceeded everyone's expectations and is currently at a very respectable number 19 on Australia's iTunes Top 100 albums chart. Too bad it isn't eligible for ARIA, since it might've actually peaked higher than #169.

Dannii - Queen Of Czechs?

In further proof of Dannii's global superstar status, "Touch Me Like That" is currently a top 20 hit - in the Czech Repbulic. Take that, Kylie!

Chart $ucce$$!!

The $ucce$$ continues unabated for Dannii's "Touch Me Like That", this week topping the Chaos sales chart. I wonder how high the song would have charted had it been eligible. Top 50?

Stop Press - Dannii Not A Flop!!

In a stunning development, I have to report that Dannii did NOT a flop! After the shocking absence of "Touch Me Like That" from this week's ARIA singles chart, I brazenly christened Dannii the new Queen of flops. Fans rumbled that the single might not have been chart eligible but I initially dismissed it as Dannii droid paranoia. I was wrong and they were right. I questioned ARIA and received an e-mail from them this morning stating that "Touch Me Like That" was ineligible to chart as a single due to the tracklisting. The representative also stated that sales were "healthy"! I have no idea what that means but I assume "Touch Me Like That" would have at least scraped into the top 100. $ucce$$.

I should have had more faith in Holidannii's massive popularity but the question remains why the single included so many remixes. It's ridiculous that Dannii gets punished for being generous to fans but there's still no explanation why 13 tracks were included in the first place. Central Station cater to DJs and often include 10 or more remixes - they must have known from past experience that the single would be ineligible to chart. The charts are of little relevance to a niche club release but Dannii is a commercial artist who needs to appear on radio and tv chart countdowns. What is going on? File this under: It could only happen to Dannii!

Meanwhile, it seems I wasn't the only one questioning ARIA about Dannii's chart performance. The fat bitches at Sydney Confidential found the time to whip up a nasty little article praising the song but questioning Dannii's involvement. As much as I love Jason Nevins, "Touch Me Like That" would be nothing without Dannii's heavenly vocals and S&M tranny get up! Check out the article below.

Dannii's Latest Chart $ucce$$!

"Touch Me Like That" is currently #1 on some random online dance music store in the US! Who needs a UK top 40 hit when you can top Perfectbeat.com's sales chart? This is almost as amazing as Dannii's recent UK #1 club hit (below). So much $ucce$$!

Touch Me Like That - The Aftermath

A terrifying glimpse into Dannii's future!

No one lives the lifestyle of $ucce$$ quite like Dannii! Despite being the universally worshipped Queen Of Clubs and household name in the UK due to her role on X Factor, Dannii's latest single bombs out at #48 this week, becoming the lowest charting single of her entire career. Even a craptastic stinker like "Loves On Every Corner" managed a #44 peak way back in 1992! That leaves the burning question of what went wrong and, more importantly, where to from here for our beloved icon?

So why did "Touch Me Like That" go down like a lead balloon with British buying public? Several reasons come to mind but the most obvious starting point is the song's quality. Obviously, if Dannii's dance anthem was complete rubbish, it would hardly be surprising if no one bought it. I loved "Touch Me Like That" from the first listen and I still think it's a killer track. In fact, the initial response to "Touch Me Like That" was overwhelmingly positive, receiving praise from both fans and critics alike. In my opinion, the main reasons for Dannii's lack of $ucce$$ are:

1. Releasing "Touch Me Like That" to radio and clubs three months prior to its physical release, resulting in rampant file-sharing by impatient "fans" (who then couldn't be bothered to legally download the song) and dwindling momentum.

2. Poor promotion. I'm sure AATW thought they could rely on Dannii's X Factor profile but the average music fan had no idea that Dannii even had a new single on the market. "Touch Me Like That" was hardly mentioned on X Factor, let alone performed on the show and Dannii did no other promotion apart from an interview on "Loose Women". Where was the obligatory show at GAY, the usual TV performances and interviews? I'm aware that Dannii couldn't promote the song on rival networks but there are always radio interviews and personal appearances.

TMLT's chart placing gives new meaning to Dannii's 1991 hit

3. Bad timing. The person who chose to release "Touch Me Like That" in the same week as Kylie's "X" album needs to be fired. Kylie fans have long turned to Dannii for a Minogue fix while Kylie is between albums, so the simultaneous release was most unfortunate. Even without evil Kylie plotting to steal Dannii's thunder, I would question releasing a club single in the lead up to Christmas when sales are traditionally at their strongest.

4. Marketing woes. Releasing one CD single instead of the usual two was a big mistake and I maintain that casual buyers were scared shitless by the hideous single cover. A couple of B-sides would have also been nice instead of the awful remixes.

Conclusion

Let's be honest. "Touch Me Like That" was a desperate attempt to cash in on Dannii's X Factor fame. And that's fine with me. Dannii would have been insane not to try to capitalise on her new high profile. Sadly, the entire project was a poorly managed and cynical rush job. The great shame is that one of Dannii's finest singles is relegated to the bargain bin of pop history.

Enough doom and gloom. What does the future now hold for Dannii - the pop star? "Touch Me Like That" is scheduled for release in Australia in January and I'm sure it can perform well if Dannii comes over to promote it. As far as the UK is concerned, I think Dannii should re-evaluate her relationship with AATW. Dannii will always be the Queen Of Clubs but I firmly believe she needs to embrace a more commercial pop sound to return to her glory days of chart $ucce$$. It will take more than one spectacular flop to hold this amazing diva down!

Not ready for the scrap heap yet!

Dannii's Stunning Chart Climb!

"Touch Me Like That" rocketed up one whole place to #42 in yesterday's mid-weeks! If this amazing trend continues Dannii might just scrape into the top 40 after all. Now that's the lifestyle of $ucce$$!

Dannii's Flop Is Front Page News!

Oh dear! Dannii's lack of chart $ucce$$ with "Touch Me Like That" has become front page news in the UK. In a hateful spray, the Mirror labels Dannii's stunning anthem "an embarrassing flop" and describe her first day sales of 1,500 as "pitiful"! Well, fuck them. Hopefully Dannii will put on a brave face for Saturday's X Factor and ignore any snide remarks from the cunts sitting on either side of her. Dannii is an international icon with a successful 30 year career in show business. She has nothing left to prove! Read the full article here. Oh and I love how Dannii makes headlines even when she flops!

On the X Factor panel she's quick to tell pop hopefuls if their singing is hopeless. But judge Dannii Minogue - who berates wannabes for warbling out of tune - may not be so hasty to criticise now, if her new single's performance is anything to go by. We can reveal that her latest musical offering, Touch Me Like That, is an embarrassing flop which is unlikely to even break into the Top 40. Poor sales mean that the single is set to scrape in at a pitiful No.43, according to midweek charts. Oh dear...

Worse still for Kylie's kid sister, it has failed to make it on to the all important Radio 1 playlist. Sadly for Dannii, it seems few would touch Touch Me Like That with a bargepole. You'd think that with her high profile on X Factor the single would be flying off the shelves. Certainly Dannii's publicity people had high hopes that her appearances on the show would propel the single into the Top 10.

The desperate flunkeys even plug the programme in their breathy press release, which also describes the song with Jason Nevins as an "electro epic". Some epic. It has shifted barely more than 1,500 copies since it went on sale in the shops this week. It has even been available digitally seven days earlier, but still no one was buying.

Tragically for Dannii, the track is being trounced by reissues from such veterans as Shakin Stevens, Wizzard, Wham! and Phil Collins. No doubt Dannii's pop humiliation will bring a smile to the faces of fellow judges Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh. On the hit ITV1 show last Saturday Louis blasted Dannii - who is mentor to Rhydian Roberts and Leon Jackson - for saying that his finalist, Niki Evans, had sung out of tune. Dannii, 36, told Niki: "I watched the tape from last week and you were completely out of tune." Louis, who was spitting-mad, hit back live on air, saying: "Dannii, singing out of tune? Ho ho!" Ouch...

Sharon's not Dannii's biggest fan either. The pair had a to-do when the live finals began and there has been no love lost between them since. Neither she nor Louis will be in any mood to spare Dannii's feelings. Although Simon Cowell, who is her mentor, will be fighting her corner. A show source says: "Knowing Sharon and Louis they'll make it their mission to keep reminding her because it winds her up so much. "But Simon is very protective of Dannii and will no doubt be reassuring her that she's wonderful."

Cheer up Dannii Fans!

"Touch Me Like That" might be an unmitigated chart disaster but take comfort in the fact that Dannii is still a sizzling beauty - unlike her ancient sister. I always suspected Kylie would end up an old maid but this shit is ridiculous! Kylie's star turn as a 60 year old prostitute on Dr Who screens at 6:50pm on Christmas Day in the UK. I bet it rates less than X Factor!

TMLT - Officially A "Fan Release"

In further proof that the British have no taste, "Touch Me Like That" has debuted at #43 on the UK mid-weeks. How very depressing!

Queen Of Clubs - Dannii's 13th #1 Club Hit!

All hail the queen of clubs! Dannii continues to make chart history as "Touch Me Like That" becomes her 13th #1 hit on the UK club charts! Suck on that, Kylie!

Here is the full list of Holidannii's #1 club hits:

1997 All I Wanna Do
1997 Everything I Wanted
1998 Disremembrance
2001 Who Do You Love Now?
2002 Put The Needle On It
2003 I Begin To Wonder
2003 Don't Wanna Lose This Feeling
2004 You Won't Forget About Me
2005 Perfection
2006 So Under Pressure
2007 I Can't Sleep At Night
2007 He's The Greatest Dancer
2007 Touch Me Like That

Dannii, we salute you!

A big thanks to Magical Froggy for the amazing picture.

The Spanish HTGD Maxi Single

Just to underline Dannii's amazing global appeal, here are some scans of the Spanish "He's The Greatest Dancer" maxi single. The Spanish obviously have exquisite taste because Dannii's stunning Sister Sledge cover climbed all the way to #18! Many thanks to Jay for finding this gem on his recent holiday. I much prefer this cover to the Australian single despite its similarity to the Dannii Board's intro page.