wot makz a dani ahyatahaaa

It's not easy being a Dannii fan - the endless delays, the string of FLOPS and the fact that going into your local HMV to ask for a copy of her latest single gets you at best a blank look from the bloke behind the counter - though a few have been known to burst into fits of laughter. From those who actually know that the busty beauty has a career outside of being a Sexy Celebrity Sibling, the reaction is pretty much the same - even those who rate Nikki French as a young edgy multiplatinum diva (surely "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" must have sold that much alone given the staggering number of reissues...) mock Dannii fandom!


In the interest of finding out why, I sacrificed my self respect to infiltrate the most heinous of Cults, the Official Dannii Minogue Forum. From mind numbing conversations with the "elite" of Dannii Fandom, The DanDroids (or Droids) and careful spying on the Collective I can exclusively reveal that the world is full of Dannii Haters! The reasons for this can only be fully understood by the most lobotomised of Droids and their self-appointed Queen, the mighty nafensays. Unfortunately, the process has left me a confurmd hayataa and the Droid Police are currently seeking to recover items of importance that I stole for study. I only hope that they do not manage to track this transmission so i may study the items and report on what is so special about this SPayne gwetizt dawnswah singuwl and gR8 pR0mo youze guyz vynwl... I have hijacked Droid "7of9" to send my findings...

dani in da colektiv

*transmission++++ 7of9-2-dhanizduwtybowk++++pozt*

da dani ahtahatz r evrywer

dey iz jelooz ov da zucez ov dani

dey iz jelooz ov da booty dat iz natuwak

sho u da wai 2 go woz a hit coz diz iz zhut woz top wun huwndwed for wekz an chawted hyah dan madoodoo sung i wont u

dani woz famooz fuwst1111

kile da zizta of dani iz a jeloz hayah coz dani woz famoz fuwst

kile sabotagd daniz awbumz

dani iz numbar wun

nafen confurmd1111111111

da hayataz zay dani iz nut da numbar wun coz dey iz jeloz an coz kile iz da fwop

put da newdul on it woz hiya dan cum into mi wurld1111111

$ucce$$1111111111

if naeefen not cumfumrm den iz not tro

grate pR0mo y0UzE guyz1111 kep votink1111

if u sayz dani iz da fwop den u iz da hayata

if u iz not agwe wit nafen den u iz da hayatah

if u iz lykje ol awound da wurld den u iz da hayaha

if u iz sharun ozborn den u iz da fat ugwy owld jeloz hayata

if u iz not votink 4 dani den u iz da hayata

if u iz byink dani singuwlz or awbumbz b4 da bezt ov da fowum den u iz da hayata even do da fowum iz dunlod iwegawy

if u iz nut sendink da empefweza an da skanz 2 da fowum den u iz da hataha

if u iz not dayink dat luv fite iz a bewst sung 4eva den u iz a hayata1111

nafen wil cunfurm dat u iz da hayata

oh noe i iz ben spotid...

+++transmission ednd+++++

The Trials And Tribulations Of Dannii Fandom

Dannii - On High Beam!

Dannii's latest single, "He's The Greatest Dancer", debuted in Australian Singles Chart at a very respectable #37 this week. The song marks Dannii's 8th consecutive Australian top 40 hit, making this by far the most successful period in a music career spanning more than two decades. With most artists, a similar achievement would be greeted by an enthusiastic fan response. In Dannii's case, the droids (hardcore Dannii Board fans) were inconsolable and the rest of her fans were falling over themselves to declare the song a "flop", "a bomb" and even "the end of Dannii's career". The majority of Dannii's fans appear to be deluded, ignorant or downright hateful. In this post, I will analyse the success of "He's The Greatest Dancer" and attempt to answer two of life's great mysteries: 1) Why are Dannii fans so fucked up? and 2) Who are more offensive - the droids or the bitches?

"He's The Greatest Dancer" is clearly no smash hit. The song wont receive any kind of sales accreditation and it wont trouble the end of year bestseller list. However, if you judge the success of every release by those criteria, every song that fails to top the chart would be a complete disaster. A number 37 chart placing is commendable for a gay disco anthem released on a small independent record label without a video. When you take into consideration the fact that the song and all its mixes have been leaked for almost a year, the chart placing of "He's The Greatest Dancer" is excellent. The result also needs to be viewed in the context of Dannii's career. Her last release, "So Under Pressure", charted at number 16 before downloads were counted toward the chart. "He's The Greatest Dancer" placed at number 26 on the physical singles chart and unlike "So Under Pressure", it was not supported by a video clip, a tour or even Dannii shamelessly claiming that the song was about Kylie's cancer! "He's The Greatest Dancer" will not go down as Dannii's finest chart moment but it is far from a failure.

This leads us to my first question. Why are Dannii fans either woefully deluded or bitter and twisted? Anyone who has had the "pleasure" of posting on the Dannii Board will be familiar with the droids. They brazenly predict that every Dannii release will be a multi-platinum smash and label anyone who remotely criticises Dannii a "hater". I have been a loyal Dannii fan since the 80s but I still get hate mail from certain droids for the shocking crime of celebrating Lezzigate and posting pictures of the Dannii Goose. Apparently, I'm destroying Dannii's good name! I think a psychiatry degree is needed to get to the root issues plaguing the droids but I think the main reason for their delusions of Dannii grandeur is pretty clear - deep down the droids expect Dannii to be as successful as Kylie. Since "Light Years", Kylie's lowest charting single is #20. For Dannii to achieve anything less is unacceptable to the droids. The droids have simply gone mad waiting for Dannii's moment in the sun. The situation would actually be quite sad if the droids weren't such humourless cunts.

The other major section of Dannii fandom is more difficult to explain. I'm talking about the people who appear to follow Dannii's career intently with the sole purpose of ridiculing everything she does and rubbing salt into Dannii's wounds when she (regularly) falls on her face. The backslapping that accompanied the chart result of "He's The Greatest Dancer" was vomit inducing. I'm used to bitchy queens on the internet but this outpouring of bile was something to behold. Every queen with an internet connection threw in their 2 cents - Dannii is irrelevant, Dannii is lazy, the choice of song was terrible, Dannii's plastic surgery frightened punters away and so on and so forth. Strangely, these people all seem to consider themselves fans. I questioned a couple of these individuals about their behaviour and they claimed to be frustrated with the droids and with Dannii. Again, I have to wonder what these people actually expect from a dance artist on a tiny label.

This leads me to my second question - which group of Dannii fans is the most unbearable? Personally, I think that both fractions suck shit and as far as I'm concerned, they can all go and fuck themselves. Mixing with other fans should be an enjoyable experience, not a masochistic exercise. Fans who enjoy Dannii for her unequalled fabulousness and hilarious flaws can worship Dannii with me inside Dannii's Dirty Box. The rest of you can get fucked.

How I Feel After Visiting The Dannii Board