wot makz a dani ahyatahaaa

It's not easy being a Dannii fan - the endless delays, the string of FLOPS and the fact that going into your local HMV to ask for a copy of her latest single gets you at best a blank look from the bloke behind the counter - though a few have been known to burst into fits of laughter. From those who actually know that the busty beauty has a career outside of being a Sexy Celebrity Sibling, the reaction is pretty much the same - even those who rate Nikki French as a young edgy multiplatinum diva (surely "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" must have sold that much alone given the staggering number of reissues...) mock Dannii fandom!


In the interest of finding out why, I sacrificed my self respect to infiltrate the most heinous of Cults, the Official Dannii Minogue Forum. From mind numbing conversations with the "elite" of Dannii Fandom, The DanDroids (or Droids) and careful spying on the Collective I can exclusively reveal that the world is full of Dannii Haters! The reasons for this can only be fully understood by the most lobotomised of Droids and their self-appointed Queen, the mighty nafensays. Unfortunately, the process has left me a confurmd hayataa and the Droid Police are currently seeking to recover items of importance that I stole for study. I only hope that they do not manage to track this transmission so i may study the items and report on what is so special about this SPayne gwetizt dawnswah singuwl and gR8 pR0mo youze guyz vynwl... I have hijacked Droid "7of9" to send my findings...

dani in da colektiv

*transmission++++ 7of9-2-dhanizduwtybowk++++pozt*

da dani ahtahatz r evrywer

dey iz jelooz ov da zucez ov dani

dey iz jelooz ov da booty dat iz natuwak

sho u da wai 2 go woz a hit coz diz iz zhut woz top wun huwndwed for wekz an chawted hyah dan madoodoo sung i wont u

dani woz famooz fuwst1111

kile da zizta of dani iz a jeloz hayah coz dani woz famoz fuwst

kile sabotagd daniz awbumz

dani iz numbar wun

nafen confurmd1111111111

da hayataz zay dani iz nut da numbar wun coz dey iz jeloz an coz kile iz da fwop

put da newdul on it woz hiya dan cum into mi wurld1111111

$ucce$$1111111111

if naeefen not cumfumrm den iz not tro

grate pR0mo y0UzE guyz1111 kep votink1111

if u sayz dani iz da fwop den u iz da hayata

if u iz not agwe wit nafen den u iz da hayatah

if u iz lykje ol awound da wurld den u iz da hayaha

if u iz sharun ozborn den u iz da fat ugwy owld jeloz hayata

if u iz not votink 4 dani den u iz da hayata

if u iz byink dani singuwlz or awbumbz b4 da bezt ov da fowum den u iz da hayata even do da fowum iz dunlod iwegawy

if u iz nut sendink da empefweza an da skanz 2 da fowum den u iz da hataha

if u iz not dayink dat luv fite iz a bewst sung 4eva den u iz a hayata1111

nafen wil cunfurm dat u iz da hayata

oh noe i iz ben spotid...

+++transmission ednd+++++

H8TRZ!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dannii Abused By Audience Member

Poor Dannii is having a bad week. Firstly, evil Louis Walsh questions Dannii's chart credibility and now an audience member has abused poor Dannii on live television! The incident occurred after Dannii rightfully panned the performance of this ugly bitch on "X factor". At about 30 seconds into the clip you can hear a member of the audience call Dannii a bitch. I hope the person responsible was dragged from their seat and thrown out on the street like the common garbage they are! Did anyone else notice Simon's reaction to the heckling? He can't keep his hands off lovely Dannii!

The Height Of Rudeness!

Louis Walsh is a bitter, old cunt. Dannii's fellow "X Factor" judge has revealed himself as a shameless Minogue hater by dissing Dannii's stunning chart $ucce$$ on national television! Upset at Dannii's correct opinion that one of his acts was complete rubbish, Louis replied and I quote:

"Excuse me, Dannii, we're having hits in the charts. You're NOT!"

I can't believe this awful man's rudeness and inaccuracy. Dannii is the undisputed queen of clubs - as this week's chart proves! "Touch Me Like That" climbs from #24 to #7 after only two weeks. Suck on that you old cunt!

Poor Dannii kept her cool and consoled herself by flirting shamelessly with the contestants. Thanks to Peibols for sending me the lovely picture below. Apparently the man holding Dannii's hand is making some kind of obscene hand gesture ("hacer un dedo") but I think Spanish people just have sex on the brain! Unlike chaste Dannii.

80s Has-Been Sinitta Bitches About Dannii

Old Whore

80s has-been Sinitta has had the nerve to bitch about Dannii's X Factor performance, claiming she would have made a better judge. All I can say is - bitch, please! When was the last time Sinitta had a hit or made newspaper headlines by fondling a stripper? This old trout has nothing on Holidannii! Check out the full article here.

Eighties' pop star Sinitta has hit out at the X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, insisting she is nothing more than a Sharon Osbourne "copycat". Sinitta, 40, was denied the chance to become the fourth addition to the judging panel on the hit British talent show by her former mentor Simon Cowell, and instead was relegated to helping pop wannabes improve their act. And the singer believes 35-year-old Minogue - who joined the show earlier this year (07) - adds nothing special to the programme. She says, "I would definitely be better than Dannii. I don't think she takes away from the show, I just don't think she brings anything new. "She even looks like her (Sharon). They needed a new flavour and I would have brought that." A spokesman for The X Factor refused to comment on Sinitta's remarks.

Sue Carroll Is An Evil CUNT!!

How could anyone describe a natural beauty like Dannii as a monster? It's hard to believe but one bitter English journalist did just that! Sue Carroll is obviously an old battleaxe with an arse the size of Texas. It's the only possible explanation for this hateful and stunningly inaccurate "article" on sweet Dannii in yesterday's Daily Mirror.

X Factor's Dannii Minogue has described the pushy mothers who force children into stardom as, as "Mumzillas", following their kids around with boxes of make-up and sequins. Right.

So what's the name for sisters who, despite no discernible talent for singing or acting, lurk in the shadow of their older sibling and are so desperate for the spotlight to fall on them they have their bodies rebuilt by medical science with monstrous results?

Frankensisters, perhaps?