Stop Press - Dannii Not A Flop!!

In a stunning development, I have to report that Dannii did NOT a flop! After the shocking absence of "Touch Me Like That" from this week's ARIA singles chart, I brazenly christened Dannii the new Queen of flops. Fans rumbled that the single might not have been chart eligible but I initially dismissed it as Dannii droid paranoia. I was wrong and they were right. I questioned ARIA and received an e-mail from them this morning stating that "Touch Me Like That" was ineligible to chart as a single due to the tracklisting. The representative also stated that sales were "healthy"! I have no idea what that means but I assume "Touch Me Like That" would have at least scraped into the top 100. $ucce$$.

I should have had more faith in Holidannii's massive popularity but the question remains why the single included so many remixes. It's ridiculous that Dannii gets punished for being generous to fans but there's still no explanation why 13 tracks were included in the first place. Central Station cater to DJs and often include 10 or more remixes - they must have known from past experience that the single would be ineligible to chart. The charts are of little relevance to a niche club release but Dannii is a commercial artist who needs to appear on radio and tv chart countdowns. What is going on? File this under: It could only happen to Dannii!

Meanwhile, it seems I wasn't the only one questioning ARIA about Dannii's chart performance. The fat bitches at Sydney Confidential found the time to whip up a nasty little article praising the song but questioning Dannii's involvement. As much as I love Jason Nevins, "Touch Me Like That" would be nothing without Dannii's heavenly vocals and S&M tranny get up! Check out the article below.

Dannii Calls In From South Africa

Dannii has taken the unprecedented step of interrupting her holiday to promote "Touch Me Like That" - via telephone. The queen of clubs/flops has been racking up some huge phone bills dialling various Australian radio stations over the past couple of days. Yesterday's appearance on the Hamish & Andy show was particularly enlightening. Among other juicy tidbits, Dannii revealed that she recently sat in the front row of a Spice Girls concert and then went backstage to stalk "Golden Balls" (ie. David Beckham). Apparently Dannii was interested in checking out his bulge after seeing the photo below. Dirty Dannii!!

The desperate diva also confirmed that she cyber-stalked Robin Thicke (below) but gave up when she realised he was married. I can see the appeal! Other juicy tidbits include a confirmation that Dannii is returning for series 2 of "Australia's Got Talent" and the usual spiel about being "club royalty" and the hazards of her lofty gay icon status.

There really is a recurring theme about Dannii being high and dry. And the real reason can finally be revealed - Dannii's chandeliers! In possibly the most ridiculous (yet unbearably fabulous) article I have ever read, Dannii blames her lack of bedroom action on her light fixtures:

Dannii Minogue’s social life has been ruined by her new chandeliers. The X Factor judge — who recently confessed she is single and desperate to find a boyfriend — has been unable to invite anyone back to her place for weeks as the floor of her London home is covered in sparkling glass lamps.

In a sign that Armageddon is nigh, that glorious piece of journalism was considered newsworthy enough to feature on The Times Of India. Last but not least is the startlingly news that "Touch Me Like That" has climbed to #96 on the Australian iTunes album chart! Finally some $ucce$$!

Dannii - Queen Of Flops

Dannii's string of 8 consecutive Australian top 40 hits comes to a screeching halt with "Touch Me Like That". Minogue Jr's massive UK flop has performed even worse in Australia with no sign of the single in the physical top 50 or the top 20 for Australian artists. In all likelihood, "Touch Me Like That" missed the top 100 altogether. The saddest thing about the situation is the fact that it was entirely foreseeable. What chance did the song have with zero airplay and no promotion? I notice that Dannii has a stack of radio interviews scheduled for this week but, unfortunately, I think it's too little too late.

Single Of The Week!

$ucce$$! "Touch Me Like That" is the Daily Telegraph's well deserved single of the week. The critics (well, one critic) love it but the song is still nowhere to be seen on the iTunes chart. Fingers crossed that the physical single is flying out of stores or this will be Dannii's biggest "fan release" yet!

Dannii Lands In South Africa

Here's a snap of our holy priestess arriving in South Africa on the 17th of January. I'm glad Holidannii is staying true to form by squeezing in yet another trip. It's not like she has a new single to promote or anything. Oh wait.

Amazing Promo!

I almost spat out my toast when I opened today's Sunday Telegraph and saw Dannii on the back cover! It's great to finally see some promotion for "Touch Me Like That" even if the accompanying article is yet another boring blurb about Dannii living in Kylie's shadow. However, I do love the fact that the journalist talks about Dannii's rapidly expanding UK fanbase but conveniently chooses to overlook the floptastic chart placing of her fabulous anthem. The article also confirms that Dannii will return for the second season of Australia's Got Talent. I just wish they had delayed the single until then - a stunning performance on Sunrise or Dancing With The Stars would have virtually assured another #37 smash hit.

"Touch Me Like That" is available to buy now. I had to look around to find a copy but eventually located one in JB Hi-Fi. The single has also finally appeared on iTunes. Get downloading, bitches!

TMLT Aus Exclusive!

I take back all the nasty things I said about the Australian release of "Touch Me Like That". The official tracklisting has finally been revealed and the Australian single will contain 7 additional remixes - bringing the total to a whopping 13! A different cover and a new B-side would have been nice but this is fantastic. There are new mixes by Space Cowboy and Fugitives and I can't wait to hear the "Soul Seekerz Feel Me Dirty Dub"! The full tracklisting is below:

1. Touch Me Like That (Radio Edit)
2. Touch Me Like That (Space Cowboy Radio Edit)
3. Touch Me Like That (Stonebridge Club Mix)
4. Touch Me Like That (Jason Nevins Remix)
5. Touch Me Like That (Soul Seekerz Club Mix)
6. Touch Me Like That (Soul Seekerz Feel Me Dirty Dub)
7. Touch Me Like That (Jack Rokka Remix)
8. Touch Me Like That (Jack Rokka Dub)
9. Touch Me Like That (Lmc Remix)
10. Touch Me Like That (Fugitives Touched Up Mix)
11. Touch Me Like That (Extended Mix)
12. Touch Me Like That (Space Cowboy Dub)
13. Touch Me Like That (Stonebridge Dub)

You can listen to clips of all the mixes and order the CD single from Chaos. Hopefully this induces a few more fans to part with their cash. I already know several international fans who have now decided to order it. Number 87 here we come!

My "Touch Me Like That" Rant!

Dannii's stunning UK mega-flop "Touch Me Like That" is released in Australia on Saturday. I hope the song can maintain Dannii's amazing run of top 40 hits but I fear the worst given the complete lack of promotion and radio airplay. I understand that it's hard to promote "Touch Me Like That" with Dannii missing in action but there's no excuse for the single still not being on iTunes (you can download it from a Wild compilation) or the lacklustre tracklist. Dannii has a strong fanbase but the majority of us have already bought the UK single (or illegally downloaded it), so there is little motivation to buy the Australian version when it's completely identical. Is it really so hard to whip up a different cover and stick on one of the several hundred unreleased tracks Dannii has lying around as a B-side? I'll be buying "Touch Me Like That" regardless. I hope the rest of her fans are as charitable.

By the way - the photo shoot above is FABULOUS!!!!

Dannii > Madonna

It's blindingly obvious that Dannii is a better pop star than Madonna. Dannii has a better voice, more charisma and endless sex appeal. However, there remains a deluded minority who cling to the pitiful idea that dirty, old Madge is still the queen of pop. Here are three pieces of irrefutable evidence that prove once and for all that Madonna is the poor man's Dannii.

Exhibit A



Even at the tender age of 13, Dannii's stunning stagecraft blew Madonna out of the water. This magnetic performance of "Holiday" reflects a burning talent that Madonna can only dream of. Pay particular attention to the awesome choreography and Dannii's amazing pink gloves.

Exhibit B



By the ripe old age of 16, Dannii had already surpassed Madonna as both a dancer and a vocalist. Dannii's ability to move her head at all with that crazy perm defies belief. Be stunned and amazed as Dannii sings "True Blue" in a fabulous array of 80s designs - each with shoulder pads bigger than the other. Note the breathtaking choreography during the final sequence with the boys dressed in white. Madonna wishes she could display such raw and smoldering sexuality!

Exhibit C



I'm sure everyone is more than convinced by now but if you need further proof of Dannii's clear superiority, watch this riveting rendition of "Open Your Heart". Dannii takes yet another Madonna hit to an entirely new level with her dramatic performance. This spectacularly staged number finds Dannii wandering around what appears to be a border crossing dotted with plastic trees and police sirens. Prepare yourself for the stunning reveal, when Dannii whips off her jacket and displays some of the finest moves in the history of dance.

Q.E.D.

Dannii's Pole Dancing Lesson!

I came across this clip of Dannii pole dancing on flopPOP and was instantly smitten. This short piece of footage sums up so much of what I love about the most $ucce$$ful Minogue (in clubland anyway!) - she is so unaffected for a celebrity and clearly doesn't take herself or the world too seriously. Even Dannii's speaking voice is unusual for an Australian star. Everyone from Kylie to Nicole Kidman sports a bizarre half-English or American accent, while Dannii still sounds like a rough bitch from the suburbs of Melbourne. Bless! The segment was recorded for Dannii's massive worldwide hit "Put The Needle On It" and naturally our holy icon decided to promote the single by learning to pole dance under the instruction of a buxom blond stripper. No comment!

Dannii Update 2008

It seems appropriate to open Dannii's Dirty Box for the first time in 2008 with a picture of our goddess doing what she does best - looking sexy by a swimming pool! There isn't a lot to report about Dannii at the moment but there are at least three interesting developments.

1. AskMen.com reveal that Dannii is horny and stalks men on the internet out of desperation! My favourite quote is: "I do really need a man and I mean a real man. Being a gay icon, you have the best times at the best parties, but you just know that all the good-looking men are gay!" Read the complete article here. Dannii, I feel your pain!

2. In a recent interview with an Australian gay magazine, Kylie has indicated that she wants to perform at this year's Mardi Gras - with Dannii! Once again, the older Minogue is using Dannii's stardom to draw a crowd but it would be great to see the sisters at Mardi Gras again. Kylie has even requested that readers vote for the song they want to hear her perform, the song they want Dannii to perform and the song they should sing together. "It's Raining Men" is currently winning the poll! Vote for your preferred song here. Personally, I think Kylie should serenade Dannii with an impassioned rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" - there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house!

3. An English publication has reviewed "Unleashed" and given it 3/10! The stone deaf bitch who wrote the article crosses the line when she says: "Unfortunately, Dannii will never be in the same league as her sister. This album can safely be stacked away on an out-of reach shelf collecting dust, or worse still would probably serve best as door stop. Dannii's vocals are unbarable. This little lady should stick to modelling as she demonstrates that she simply cannot sing in almost every track on this album." That nasty troll wouldn't know good music if it bit her on the cunt! I also think she should learn how to spell before polluting cyberspace with her ill informed opinions. You can read the entire shocking review here.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and I wish you all a fabulous 2008!